Jane Zhang sung her new song “I believe” live for the first time yesterday. “I believe” is her first album song to be penned by her (lyrics and maybe music?). Jane writes about her experiences since being an artist and how “I believe” came about. This song is definitely a step up from her previous non-themesong music, and I hope it’ll be representative of her album.
Once I played an unimportant role…. Suddenly, one day, everyone around me looked at me, and that made me scared… So I was always hiding. Sometimes, when there are too many eyes starring at me, to the point where I can’t see past beyond them, I would close my eyes. Too foreign a place, too many foreign faces, too many foreign paths.
Translation of her blog post on I believe below the cut.
My new song has already came out for a couple of days, and I’ve been wanting to write something, but my packed schedule and jetlagged memory could not fit together a complete picture. Today I can finally calm down and play the memory jigsaw.
I remember when I first came to Beijing, I never been so busy or confused. The clearest part of my day was always chatting with myself right before going to sleep. I’ll lay on my bed and stare at the lights on the ceiling, thinking that I should really replace the two broken lights the next day. But I didn’t do that for a long time because although pointless, thinking about that makes me forget about everything else.
Once I played an unimportant role. No matter which group of people I walk into, I would always be the least noticed amongst them. I was accustomed to that sort of existence, and enjoyed it. Suddenly, one day, everyone around me looked at me, and that made me scared. Maybe it was because I wasn’t used to it, but more importantly, I had no confidence in myself. So I was always hiding. Sometimes, when there are too many eyes starring at me, to the point where I can’t see past beyond them, I would close my eyes. Too foreign a place, too many foreign faces, too many foreign paths. I remember during that time, my face often had the same expression. I would think I hid it well enough, but friends always say that knowing how I felt was as simple as reading that giant writing on my face.
My life was once so simple, simple to the point that there was little need for too much thinking or worrying, but only the need to follow intuitions to act and to feel. Yet in the moment that I enjoyed that the most, life thrusted me into another circle. I’ll always remember that intersection. It was an ending point, but also a beginning point. After that, I begun to doubt, doubt everything, including myself. Everything around me seemed so unreal. I dreamed during the day, and dreamed during the night. The lead of the dream shouldn’t be me, because she was foreign to me. By habit, I would look up when I feel uncomfortable, when I forget the lyrics, when I’m confused, when I’m hurt. Up there, sometimes it’s the sky, sometimes it’s a roof, sometimes it’s only blankness. But more often, it’s the two broken light bulbs.
I didn’t want life to continue to be confused, so I learned to joke, learned to listen to xiangsheng, learned to tease friends, as long as it made me happy. I like to walk, at first because it allowed me to not fear breaking my bike, fear being crushed in the bus, fear running out of money, and gave me a reason to not hurry…I think I’m scared of troubles. When I see them, I would go around them. So I would take more time, go the further route, and make myself more tired. But even then, I’ll go the curved route. It seems further, but it’s more simple. I don’t have to worry about anything, and only need to continue walking. So all I need is to believe, believe I’ll finally get to that seemingly far away place. I begun to understand, my lack of safety came from my discomfort with the new environment and over self-protection. So I want to start over and learn to believe, believe in every eye around me, believe in every hand that shakes my own, believe in the new, believe in myself. Believe in the possibility of everything good, just like before, and let a different happiness grow in my heart, all because I believe.
Many scenes have already been faded in my mind with time, and I can no longer find an original blueprint. So emotions and this song were all that I had to help me seek the scents that were left behind.
This song is for the belief that I’ve gained over the past years and everyone who’s walked with me to here. And of course, that girl who, despite being very tired and sleepy, still talked with me at the middle of the night – Jane Zhang.
source: Sina blog